Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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