every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
