Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
God, I missed his penis.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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