he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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