forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
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