Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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