thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
