Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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