Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
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