We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
