you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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