hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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