Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
