I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
