Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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