My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?