Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
