There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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