Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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