He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
