Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I need to calm my uterus...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
