we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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