what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
