ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
