I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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