I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
