Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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