i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
