just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
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Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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