mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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