Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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