did i walk over a car last night?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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