i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
