Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We talked him into tasing himself.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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