I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
