i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
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You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
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We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
we're so committed to being not committed
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