I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
