my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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