Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
