Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
