you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
