quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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