I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Randomize
