Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
