Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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