My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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