Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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