nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Dignity is for republicans.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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