what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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