woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
