he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm getting married
To pizza
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
