So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
