Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
