Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
