The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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