I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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